This technique is especially well-suited for difficult conversations (such as arguments with a romantic partner) and for expressing support. This exercise helps you express active interest in what the other person has to say and make them feel heard-a way to foster empathy and connection. In the process, we miss opportunities to connect with that person-and even risk making them feel neglected, disrespected, and resentful. Often we’ll listen to a conversation partner without really hearing them. It may also be helpful, when relevant, to express empathy for the other person’s perspective (e.g., “I know you’ve been very busy lately and don’t mean to leave me hanging.”). When sharing your perspective, express yourself as clearly as possible using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel overwhelmed when you don’t help out around the house.”). After the other person has had a chance to speak and you have engaged in the active listening steps above, ask if it’s OK for you to share your thoughts and feelings. Moving too quickly into advice-giving may not be helpful. Problem solving is likely to be more effective after both partners understand each another’s perspective and feel heard. Try not to interrupt with counterarguments or mentally prepare a rebuttal while the other person is speaking. Your goal is to understand the other person’s perspective and accept it for what it is, even if you disagree with it. Be mindful of your facial expressions: Avoid expressions that might seem disapproving or disgusted. Try to avoid giving into distractions in your environment or checking your phone. You can show that you are engaged and interested by making eye contact, nodding, facing the other person, and maintaining an open and relaxed body posture. You might respond, “I can sense that you’re feeling frustrated,” or even “I can understand how that situation could cause frustration.” Respond with support and understanding, regardless of whether you think that feeling is justified or whether you would feel that way yourself if you were in their position. For example, if the speaker expresses frustration, try to consider why they feel that way. If the other person voices negative feelings, try to validate these feelings rather than questioning or defending against them. Instead, ask questions to clarify their meaning, such as, “When you say_, do you mean_?” Try to avoid jumping to conclusions about what the other person means. When appropriate, ask questions to encourage the other person to tell you more about their thoughts and feelings. Helpful ways to paraphrase include “What I hear you saying is…,” “It sounds like…,” and “If I understand you right….” Once the other person has finished expressing a thought, try to summarize what they said to make sure you understand and to show that you are paying attention. You don’t need to cover every step, but the more steps you follow, the more effective this practice is likely to be. As they do so, try to follow the steps below. ![]() ![]() Invite this person to share what’s on their mind. Find a quiet place where you can talk with a conversation partner without interruption or distraction.
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